Utdrag ur Project 2

I search my insides but nothing meets me. Only apathy, which I by now know is the same as square one. The clean slate. The void. Filling it, and having to constantly fill it feels like it should be overwhelming, but I just don’t care.
“If this is life”, I voice, making Hannah look over at me from the other end of the bed we’ve shared. “I don’t know if I want it.”
I wait a few moments, to see if she tries to start an emotion in me, or if one starts by its own accord. But nothing. I look up, meet her eyes. They give nothing away.
“What’s the point”, I say, and it isn’t a question. “I can spend every moment of every day learning how to maneuver this mind, inside this body. I can force joy into it. Pleasure. Anger. Sadness. Any feelings that will make me feel alive and purposeful. But the second I stop, the needle drops down to zero and I will end up here, in this pointless, empty truth. I don’t know if I can bare it.”
I wait. Still she says nothing, and I realize a hint of an emotion has grown as I’ve been speaking. Hope. I hesitate, but then I indulge it.
“How do you do it?” I ask, and I think I see a defeated smile behind her eyes.
Or I hope I do.
“The alternative bores me”, she says.


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